28 August 2009

i don't like california


I'm probably the only person on the planet to say this, but...so far, I'm really not all that impressed with California. I had such high hopes for the state, but alas...I've come to the conclusion that it is basically one big liberal hippie pot-smoking beach community in a desert next to the ocean. Now, it could be that the farther north you get, the more impressive it is...dunno, and frankly, don't really want to know.

So first of all, I thought it would be green here. Not green as in recycle green. But green as in the color green. It's not. It's August and the landscape along the road is brown...with an occasional palm tree or yucca plant. It never even occurred to me that the Ohio landscape would be prettier than California.

Second, you know how the highways in Ohio usually run North, South, East, West? Yea, well the highways here are carved around the terrain. So trying to find your way around is an illogical nightmare. In Ohio, you can usually exit the highway and the entrance ramp back on will be within a couple feet. That is not the case in California. Keith and I got lost so many times yesterday. I wouldn't even call it going around in circles...more like going around in pretzels. I have a suspicion that whoever designs the highway system here also has a long standing prescription for 'medicinal' weed.

Third, it's called a turn signal...use it.

Fourth. There are signs along "The five" (as the locals call it...you know...like our "The 270" or "The 315" or "The 71"??? whatever dude)...anyway, the posted highway signs read, "Speed monitored by aircraft". Rrrrright...like that happens. We saw one cop yesterday and he was in the slow lane putzing along at 55mph while everyone else was going 80+. I didn't check out his car, but he was probably driving a Prius.

Fifth. Pictures of the ocean and the pretty beaches should be accompanied with a 'smell' sample. Eeoooow. Stanky poo poo.

Sixth. Seagulls are really just flying rodents.

Seventh. Hotels should be required to provide their definition of 'ocean view'. Pressing your face against the window and looking sideways is not my idea of an ocean view. Maybe an ocean sighting...but not an ocean view.

Eighth. Yesterday I drank from a plastic-looking beverage cup that had printed on the side, "This cup is made from recycled plant materials". Really? If I see one more sign that says, 'This ----------- (fill in the blank) is made from recycled whatever" or "we're not going to wash your sheets because we're committed to energy and resource conservation", I'm going to throw up. So...recycle that.

Ninth. No joke...I have yet to see a McDonalds. I am not kidding. We saw one in the airport and that's it. I'm thinking that's un-American...but then I'm in California...like that should surprise me. They have an Austrian movie star as their governor for heavens sake.

And finally, number 'the ten'...none of this, 'well it's a dry heat' shinanigans. Hot is hot. Period. And most of you know how much I like being hot...as in temperature hot...not the other hot hot.

Ugh...can't wait to get home. Where I can walk on green grass not smoke it, find a McDonalds on every corner, replenish the landfill with nothing remotely bio-degradable and drive my gas guzzling car around 'the 270'.

2 comments:

ejm said...

Poor Susan! but your post is funny! I already knew about number 6. :)

Wendy said...

Very funny Susan! Happen to agree with you about ALL ten points unless you head north! San Fran and Napa Valley are a different story. On #6, Robb told me that when he and his co-worker(Joe) were walking the disney boardwalk in florida, Joe looked at a sea gull and blurted out "rats with wings". A few steps later, one pooped on Joe's shoulder. So, Susan, be careful out there!! Hee. Hee.